Why We Cheat

Yes I said WE. 
I've cheated. 
You've cheated. 
We've all cheated and are terrible people. 
Moving on...

I've come to learn that cheating isn't really about sex. Of course that's the common mechanism used to engage in it but that's not the root cause. I believe that the root cause for cheating is selfishness. It has nothing to do with the "cheatee," if you will. It's not about what you could have done better or the things you didn't do or the things you did. If you seriously can't find a reason why someone would cheat on you, it's probably because it has nothing to do with you, hence the problem.

Cheaters aren't thinking about you when they cheat. The only thing on their minds are their own desires, wants and "needs." They see something or they meet someone and maybe there's an instant attraction. And that's fine. It happens. Being attracted to someone isn't a sin, it's what they do afterward. Engaging with their desires is where they trip up.

When you cheat on someone you choose to ignore the feelings of your partner. You place your wants above the entire relationship. You're only looking out for you. If you want someone else that bad you are free to leave the relationship. But you don't. Maybe it's because you don't want to be alone. Or maybe it's because you know new booty ain't as valuable as the months or years spent cultivating a relationship. New booty don't take care of you like wifey or hubby. Instead of acknowledging the wildly apparent value of your relationship you have your cake and eat it too.



How do I know what cheaters think? I was one.

(I use "was" loosely. Let me be real. I haven't been faced with a cheating conundrum in a while so until I get in one and completely resist IDK if I can say I'm fully "recovered.")

I remember the first time I cheated. The relationship I was in was trash from jump but of course that's no excuse. Still I fell head over heels in love with this guy. This guy. This guy! I swore back then he was everything. He was heart palpitations and nervousness and loss of breath. I'd get lost in his eyes, his arms, his smell. Some people just feel like home you know? Like you belong wherever they are. Hollywood and TV would have you to believe this happens oh so often but that is a lie from the very pits of hell! I've felt like this twice in my 28 year lifetime okay? It's not the norm.

So I fell for this guy and I'm in a relationship but I'm definitely not feeling boyfriend like I'm feeling "unattainable bae." And we are in deep, secret rendezvous and all. However, as much as he gave me joy and warmth and butterflies and smiles, I dealt with just as much rain clouds, fears, torments and sadness. I was in a lose-lose situation. I think one of the worst things in the world is to want to love someone out loud and not have the ability to do so. I had been in so many crappy relationships and it felt like he could top them all, if only he were mine. But he wasn't.

And the guilt! It was absolutely the worst. I felt so bad about what we were doing. I would tell him "I'm done. We can't do this anymore." But then I'd come right back. And that took a toll on him. He got tired of my back and forth and the last time I said "stop," we were never the same again.

Of course I still felt for him and I felt for that man a long, long, long time. Let me see. It took me, at the earliest, 3 years to get over him, 3 years fam? Okay, so it wasn't like I was still crying over him after 3 years. These feelings were more intermittent than a constant. Maybe it took a year to stop feeling sad, another year to stop pondering "what ifs" and then that last year to finally extinguish that tiny bit of smoldering hope for rekindling the flames.

That entire situation was terrible and it was terrible for a long time. I learned my lesson. I told myself: Nope! Not doing that again ever in a million years so help me 5lb 2oz baby Jesus.

Then I met Mr. Heart Palpitations II. Shat. Though I was single at the time he wasn't. It started out as just, "Oh he's cute." Then it spiraled into flirtations and mutual feelings being expressed. There were tons of inappropriate conversations, suggestions, notions and ideas. But I still stood my ground, sort of. I didn't engage in physical cheating because I thought that's where the trouble lay.

You know nothing Jon Snow.

Even though I didn't do anything physical with II I still felt awful. Again I felt like this was the sweetest thing I've ever known and yet I wasn't able to love out loud. I still cried like a baby about it, I still felt hurt about it and I was completely perplexed about why. Like we didn't have sex! Ain't that how you get all caught up in mess? Ain't that how you acquire the dreaded "soul tie?"

What gives!?!?!

It's not about sex. It's about selfish desire. If you let your desires go unchecked and untamed they will RUIN you. They will burn you every time; you ain't Khaleesi.



Now let me point out the bullshit of what you just read. To be clear the last part is real. Whether you are engaging in emotional or physical cheating you will get burned. It feels just as terrible either way if you are the cheater. If you're the faithful cheatee I imagine the pain feels worse but still bad either way.

The BS is how I framed that whole story. Now this is how I seriously felt about both situations but here's what's missing: any real concern for anyone else. Everything was about ME. How I was feeling. How much in love I was. How bad I felt about not being able to express that "love." How I thought unattainable bae I and II were really mine.

Even my damn resolve not to physically cheat anymore came from me trying to save myself from heartache. Not "Hey, that's just a crappy thing to do to anybody in general, let me refrain."

What about how my partner felt or would feel if he found out? What about the other partners? What about the love they shared? What about all they had been through with these men?

I didn't give a damn. I was just trying to devour as much of that "love" as I could because it made me feel good. I mean did I really even care about the baes? At this point I think that's up for debate. I mean I did keep hurting bae #1 by breaking it off based on how guilty I was feeling. Then I'd start it up again because I "just couldn't let go." Of him? Or of the feeling?  Maybe I was just using both baes.





In conclusion: Cheating = Selfishness

And that's why we cheat. Most of us aren't just crazy sex fiends but I would venture to say that most of us are selfish. Especially when you're a young adult. I'm constantly thinking "This is my time. It's my chance and opportunity to do what I want. To live my life how I want." That's true but only half of the story. You are not independent of everyone around you. Your words and actions affect others, they ripple through everyone connected to you in some way.

That's why its good to take personal inventory every once in a while. Check your desires. Check your selfishness. Neither can be completely eradicated but both can be regulated. That's the goal, not getting rid of them completely. Both are necessary in life, selfishness at a basic level is about survival and desire gives you the spice of life. Be pragmatic. Use responsibly. Don't be a jerk.