The Best Chuck Norris Facts and Anti-Jokes on the Web

I have an unnatural love for both Chuck Norris facts and anti-jokes. I've never even seen a Chuck Norris movie. I vaguely remember a movie of his, maybe, being on the TV when I was a little girl, dazit. But these jokes though? I cackle for days and days and days.

My bestie and I discovered anti-jokes one day and it's been a love affair ever since. So below are my favorites from both genres.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can follow you into a revolving door and come out ahead of you.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris was once shot. The bullet died.

Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.

Spilled milk cries over Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Anti-Jokes

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
*Dave breaks into tears. His grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed and she can no longer remember him.*

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.

Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.

My friend thought that an onion was the only food that could make you cry, 
so I threw a watermelon at his face.

You know it's cold when you go outside and it's cold.

A guy walks into a bar and half his head is an orange.
Barman: What can i get.. holy cow half your head is an orange!! How did that happen??
Guy: Magic Lamp, rubbed it, three wishes etc etc.
Barman: What in the bejesus were your three wishes, half your head is an orange.
Guy: First Wish - I wished for every woman in the world to love me.
Barman: Right, that is okay. What was your second wish?
Guy: Second Wish - I wished that I was a billionaire.
Barman: What in the hell was your third wish? Half your head is a frickin orange?
Guy: It was a silly wish. I don't wanna say.
Barman: Go on tell me, I'll give you a drink.
Guy: Ok well for my third wish I wished that half my head was an orange.

How does a 30 year old white man get a date?
Please be specific I'm very lonely.

Two men walk into a bar.
The first man says "I'm Portuguese!"
The second man says "I'm Portuguese too!"
The bartender says "I'm also Portuguese!"
The bar was in Portugal.