Not Your Superwoman
I've been trying to answer two questions as of late: Who am I? and What do I want? I haven't spent much time reflecting on who I am as a person; my ideologies, the things I subscribe to and approve of. So in this time of young adult limbo, I am committed to trying to find myself, learn myself, unlearn toxic things about myself and then affirm myself. So in tackling that first question, Who am I? I must also answer Who do I claim to be? and What is it that I actually do?
I am a doer. If there is a job to be done, I complete it. I work hard. If there is a need I meet it. If there is a problem I try to fix it. When people need to be loved, I give them love. When people need to be encouraged I give encouragement. I am a provider. I am a giver. I stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. I challenge things I feel should be challenged. I want to please people. I love to feed people. I love to do exactly what I say I'm going to do and I love being held accountable for it.
If we spin all that together what does that mean? What does that make me? A leader? A nurturer?
My me-ness doesn't fit under one or two or twenty labels. So I don't care to label myself. What I do know is that in response to the things that I do and say others have labeled me. They see me as a leader, they see me as a lover, they see me as a giver, they see me as brillant, they see me as superwoman. I am not superwoman. But as a result of what I do they situate me in the role anyway. As much as one can be honored by the notion, there is something extremely disheartening about existing under such a label. I am not superwoman.
The problem occurs when expectations develop from these labels. Superwoman doesn't get tired, superwoman is always pleasant, superwoman can solve any problem, superwoman doesn't need acknowledgment, superwoman is content with just being a servant, superwoman is always strong, superwoman doesn't cry, superwoman is always in command. The list goes on and on. I am not superwoman.
SOMETIMES: I get jealous. I get stingy. I am sensitive. I am self-conscious. I am mean. I am indifferent. I complain. I overthink. I am pessimistic. I doubt people. I am suspicious of people. I think the worst of people. I judge. I covet. I sin. I am insensitive. I want all the attention. I don't like people. I want to be alone. I don't want to be happy. I want to be sad. I want to be angry. I want to be the Queen/Princess/Ruler. I am lazy. I am unmotivated. I have limitations.
I know who I am and who I am not. Now what do I want?
I want a freaking pass.
I want to be vulnerable. I want to be soft. I want to cry. I DO cry. I want to lean on someone's shoulder. I want to hear someone's advice. I need help. I don't want to do it all by myself. I want to be protected. I want to be lead. I don't want to make all the decisions. I want to be fed. I want to be enlightened. I want to be taught. I want to receive. I want to be nurtured. I want a chest to bury my face in. I want an arm to wrap around me. I want a kiss on my forehead. I want to be saved. I want to be rescued. I want to be fought for. I want to be healed. I need to be loved. I need to be affirmed. I need to be encouraged.
I am not superwoman.
I know you feel me.
I know you've felt it.
We can't be her, ALL THE TIME.
I feel like I have yet to be relieved of my supernatural duty to mankind. And let me tell you black girl, whether you're in a lab or in your kitchen you perform supernaturally to someone.
But we desperately need to tap out. We need a partner.
Come here husband.
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Let me take this time to say I know that even husbands will fail us at times and the only one we can truly rely on for our wants and needs is God. At the same time God gave Adam a partner for a reason. And as much as God is our source for everything, there's something about a physical body, beating heart, human spirit. We all need that.
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The whole world can think I'm superwoman, but I want to be Lois Lane to him sometimes. And we can both switch between civilian and superhero as needed. I just need the option from my partner. And I look for those things in the men who try to enter my life. And what I have found is that a lot of them are looking for superwoman. All The Freaking Time. No. No.
I am completely dumbfounded by men who don't want to be leaders. Who don't want to make decisions. Who want to be told what to do. Who want to be pursued. Who want to be spoiled. Who want to be taken care of. Who want to be babied. All the time? You can be Clark Kent sometimes. But sometimes I need you to take control and it doesn't even have to be on a superhuman level. Just relieve me sometimes. Let me trade in my cape for a pair of house slippers. I want to be your baby sometimes.
And I demand it. And I'm not bending. I can't, nor do I dare, go about life with an independent, self reliant, superhero mentality. I can't always nurture. I need to take. I need a partner. I need superman. I need Clark.
